Can we talk about the fence on the Mexican-U.S. border?
The presidential candidates keep talking about it. Washington has been consumed by it for several years. Laws have been passed. Construction has begun on parts of it. The Fence is supposed to protect us from aliens coming into our country to mow our lawns, roof our garages, and butcher our chickens and pigs. This is called defense, or if you prefer the more appropriate British spelling, defence.
But we are thinking too small about Da Fence. Way too small. Consider the Great Wall of China. That’s the kind of fence we should be building. That Wall is amazing. The thing is about 4,000 miles long. It took a few centuries and several Chinese dynasties to finish it. But wow, it’s really impressive. You can see the monster from space. Mao said a man wasn’t a hero until he’d touched it. That’s why Nixon walked part of it.
Let’s build a real fence. The United States/Mexico border is only about 2,000 miles long, so we only have to build one half as long as the Great Wall. Think of the advantages.
We could get some fancy architects to design a very cool wall. We could make it hundreds of feet high and very wide…so wide there would be room for condos in it. Can you imagine designs that look like pueblos along the New Mexico border or pseudo rancheros in California? In Texas, a part of the Wall could house the presidential libraries of both Bushes.
The Wall would be great for the economy and it would create, out of a pretty sleepy border, wonderful possibilities for tourism. Hey, the Great Wall has thousands of tourists every year. We could shoot for millions. Border “theme parks” would spring up. Hotels, casinos, splash rides…the weather is pretty good on the border. It would provide thousands of construction jobs. It would keep companies like Halliburton in business for years.
In the Internet era websites could be created with special lasers and stuff to zap anyone trying to climb it. Have you heard about that place in Texas that let’s you “hunt” animals on the Internet? You log on, pay a fee, and direct the guns to kill a deer or some other mammal. Imagine the possibilities from a wall? People all over the country could help defend the border just by logging in and pushing the zapper button. It would be a super force multiplier for our border patrol folks.
Politicians and companies could bid for the chance to have all or part of it named after them. The Coke Guard Tower, the Chevy parapet, the Trump Skyway…
My fellow Americans, we’ve had enough talk. We need solutions. Building our Mega-Wall would help the sagging economy and deal with the immigration issues simultaneously. We could build something for the ages. Generations 2000 years from now could see it and touch it and say, “That’s one impressive wall.” It would also put those Chinese in their place.
Then we could move on to the Canada/U.S. border. There are almost 4,000 miles of opportunity up there.